February 16, 2011

Walking my walk

On the surface, everything about my process is wrong. I appear to be a walking, living example of what you shouldn’t do and yet somehow things seem to miraculously go right in my life – over and over and over again. The Christians among my friends attribute it to God, my Buddhist friends say it is the net effect of the causes that I’ve made in my life, I don’t need to tell you what the Atheists think and my Agnostics don’t have an opinion one way or the other. No, I have not ever put all of them in a room together – it is enough that they comingle peacefully within the virtual space that we call Facebook but that is definitely a post for another day. There is a reason I steer very clear from religion, sex and politics in any public forum – I’m a walking lightning rod. But I digress, which by now should surprise you little if you are one of my Twitter friends.

I have experienced some pockets of great success in my life but none of it has happened in the ‘traditional’ sense. I live my life very intuitively. I attribute this largely to my parents – specifically my father, Dennis, the hippie. The truth is, you are not going to listen to Malcolm X’s “The Ballot of the Bullet”, have the choice of calling your dad by his first name or anything else you like AND be able to call a ‘family meeting’ anytime and not come out of the experience a little … intuitive. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Truth is, I thought everybody’s family was like mine until I was a teenager, for real.

My entire childhood was absolutely not mood rings, bell bottoms, peace, love and Soul Train, trust me. I experienced some real trauma as a teen that also rounded out my intuitive way of approaching the world (also another post for another time). It has taken me years to fully understand, trust, and yes, even embrace MY process. Over a period of fifteen years I read voraciously most of the “modern masters”: Deepak Chopra, Dr. Wayne Dwyer, Marianne Williamson, Iyanla Van Zant, Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Steven Covey, Don Miguel Ruiz, Paul Coelho to name but a few. As theories began to comingle and one name replaced another, I began to understand that the real master of my life is ME and the only process that works for my life is my own.

I travelled far away from my original destination to get back to my starting point. Isnt' that always the way?

What has turned out to be most ‘right’ for me, in all things in my life, has been what felt most right to begin with. Every single time I’ve followed my instinct I have made my highest and best decision and that is the truth. Make no mistake about it, this ‘follow your instinct thing’ is not a tremendously respected modality of going about the business of operating one’s life. In fact, it is regarded as reckless, chaotic and even irresponsible by many. My response is that an intuition-based existence has worked tremendously well in MY life.

So what I am teaching my teenaged daughter? Do what in your core – that space midway between your heart and your gut – feels most right and authentic to you. I know some of you reading this just took a deep breath and wondered if I just said what you think I said. Let me clarify that I did and I am. Am I giving my daughter tacit approval to *whisper low* HAVE SEX? … I suppose I am. Let me be clear that this is certainly not what I am encouraging or hoping she will run out and do next Friday night (or any other night of the week for that matter) until she is fully ready to accept all the responsibilities of this behavior but I do understand what I am saying to her and all of its complicated implications. I accept the responsibility of my behavior all of it, I always have. 

Can I hear the din of the crickets now even before I publish this? – YES.
Am I still going to publish it? – YES.
Why? - because intuitively I know that it is the right thing for me to do.

Why? - because I have to be honest, my kind of honest and that admittedly might not be your kind of honest (but come on, admit it, that is why you’re reading this blog isn’t it? I’m a different kind of train wreck!). I am not going to make up a lie to be the mother people want to think I am. I have to be the authentic mother that I am to honor my relationship with my daughter and there is no shame in my game. Period.

Walking my walk means that if it feels right to run, I run. If it feels right to love, I love. If it feels right to say no, I say no. If it feels right to say yes, I say … yes. And so it is.

Some of my friends say I've been ‘blessed’, others compare me to the proverbial cat with nine lives (I’m not sure which one I’m on), still others feel I’ve been the gifted with extraordinary luck.

On an intuitive level – I have a feeling they are all correct and it’s ALL good.

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